Time On My Hands (This has been sitting in Drafts since July 2011....oooops!)

Thanks to J being a very happy, cooperative baby yesterday, I did every single thing on my to do list which means that I am currently lounging in bed in my PJs, catching up on my online reading material, and listening to J giggle and laugh at something in his crib.



I have the entire day to do whatever sounds like fun. Since free days so rarely happen, I'm trying to compile a mental list of what J and I could do today. So far, it's looking pretty good. My only disappointment is that P had to work today. If all three of us were home, the day would be perfect because J loves having his dadddy home during the day...and I like it pretty well myself.



I had a really good conversation with an old friend yesterday. The kind of conversation that brings about clarity and revelation and resolution to some things that have been following me around for years. I know that getting older is a struggle for many people, but I am thankful for the aging / maturing process because it has made it easier to communicate and it has made it easier to wade through emotions that cloud issues and distort memories. Being older also has curbed a lot of my impulses. The ability to make myself stop and wait and really consider my actions PRIOR to taking them is also something I'm thankful for everyday. When I was younger, I would react in a split second to any kind of conflict or struggle and usually end up swinging to the opposite of what I thought I should do. It caused so many problems, strained so many relationships, and burned so many unnecessary bridges. It also allowed too many negative things to have acccess to my life. I wish I had taken the time to stop, detatch from my feelings (which can be quite deceptive), and truly evaluate what was going on, both within myself and around me. I can promise you that my life would look completely different.



And, that's not me detracting from the life that I have now. I love my son, my husband, my parents, my siblings, and my life in Oklahoma. I just wish I didn't have so many things that need to be addressed and dealt with in my heart and mind because of decisions I chose to make along the way. I probably sound like a broken record at this point, but, it's what weighs most heavily for whatever reason. I'm just thankful for the opportunity to work through it and hopefully, lay it to rest once and for all.

Hand Over Mouth

It is always interesting to me how something can be said in a "generally speaking" way as not to point any individual out or point fingers in any direction and yet...it still manages to hurt someone's feelings.

It's even more interesting to me how someone with hurt feelings tries very hard to make it something that YOU shouldn't have done instead of addressing why it caused a reaction for THEM.

And, it's most interesting to me how someone can assert that it would be better to not say something "generally speaking" but to keep the topic between the parties concerned.

If you are not addressing a specific party, but you're generally speaking, how does one accomplish that exactly? Sometimes an individual does something that leads to a much needed "generally speaking" moment. It benefits the greater good to address it openly. And, as long as you are tactful and don't use names or specifics that could lead to such individual being identified, how rational/reasonable is it for anyone to be offended that it's been brought up for public consumption?

Oh, but offense isn't a reasonable/rational creature, is it?

Need.More.Patience.

FALL

It is finally Fall in Oklahoma! It rained a few weeks ago for a couple of days and now everything is lush and green in our backyard. Mostly weeds at this point, but it looks pretty. The weather has cooled down to a lovely 70 degrees F during the day and almost down to freezing at night. I'm sure it will heat up again before fall officially settles in, but we are grateful for the reprieve.

Baby G #2 is a boy! We had our 5 month scan about two weeks ago and everything is where it is supposed to be and functioning as it should and we're very grateful for that news as well. We decided to name him Elliott Frederick. The cutest thing in my little home right now is sweet baby J trying to say "Elliott." It comes out "Ell-eee?"

I am finding myself much more settled /comfortable with the title of stay at home mom. I am no longer struggling with trying to figure out what my role is going to be. When I first realized that I was going to have to give up all of the board/charity work that I had been doing since J's arrival, it was a struggle. I felt lost for several weeks. But, it's because my perspective was so limited. I was only seeing what I was losing and I wasn't open to what could be gained by freeing up that time and energy. I have found my focus restored and the biggest conviction that I have pressing on me at the moment is to make good use of the time that J and I have left together before we add in Baby E's presence. There is so much for both of us to learn between now and then.


There are always new lessons to learn, old lessons to revisit, and the opportunity to improve things that haven't been quite rounded and softened out of us yet. I am finding this to be true in all areas of life and I'm having to reconsider my stance on certain situations and people especially. I'm such a black and white thinker about things. I like evaluating and making decisions and seeing the decisions through. But, in that process, I think I have given up on people or distanced myself from people who are being knit into my larger family and at the end of the day, it was never my place to say who was worth walking away from because that's not the purpose to which I have been called. I'm learning that patience, hope, love, and endurance are what is required to see things through to completion - in myself and in others. We can't do this kind of work or experience this kind of growth alone if we have set our eyes on the prize and are determined to see it through.


Repetition is my biggest lesson with J in this season. Constant review and interaction and encouragement and reminders which pay off in a big way because at some point in the repetition, something clicks and HE GETS IT. Repetition is something good for my life as well because it's exactly the same. When good things are being put in steadily, constantly, and consistently and my heart dwells on them, at some point in the repetition, something clicks and I GET IT. So, I am reminding myself for myself and reminding myself for J, continue in the good way. Don't grow weary in well doing. Forsake not the assembling of yourselves together. Walk in love. As HE is in this world, so are we.

What a difference a year makes...

My sweet baby J turned 1 on Thursday. I spent the actual day of his birth cuddling him and talking him about how much he has changed my life for the better. I'm sure he grew weary of all the hugs and kisses, but he never let on.

Friday, I began the daunting task of completing his 1st year baby scrapbook. I have managed to keep a baby calendar for the past year which is no easy task and ended up saving all the photos to do at one time. Thankfully, I have a very patient and helpful mentor to assist me in getting my creativity going and I was able to complete 22 pages of pictures before it was time to head to Norman to celebrate my mother's birthday with the family.

Saturday, we had J's birthday party. We decided a few months ago that while we wanted the huge celebration with family and friends, baby J is in need of NOTHING (except diapers, maybe) and we didn't want anyone to feel obligated to bring him a gift. So, we decided to ask guests to bring a donation for the local Humane Society instead for us to donate on J's behalf. I wasn't sure how people would respond, but we ended up with a half a truckbed of items to donate and J got to celebrate the day with about 70 friends and family at the local park. We still managed to come home with half a sheet cake which we gave to my teenage brothers to enjoy.

After J's park party, we headed out to my parents for the family party complete with burgers, fries, baked beans, and a marble cupcake with chocolate icing for J. He loved it! Mom and Dad bought him a little green tractor to ride around on at their house and he also received some money which we're using to open his college savings account. I'm sure he'll thank us for being so frugal one day, lol.

Today, I took J to church by myself because P was called into the office around 8am. J had a few minor meltodwns but ended up falling asleep in the end which was a relief. I know he probably sounds louder to me than he sounds to everyone else, but it's nerve wracking to balance that fine line between J learning to sit still and us being a huge disruption to everyone else. Hopefully, after a few more weeks of us being consistent, he will either find ways to quietly entertain himself or fall asleep without a lot of coaxing. Patience, patience...on both of our parts!

I had to resign from all of my organizations and boards that I have been serving on. It was a really hard thing to let go of because it's been my bridge between being a professional and being a stay at home mom, but the Lord was making it really clear that in order to grow, I needed to let go. My place is home with J and my job right now is taking care of him and taking care of myself ot make sure that Baby #2 has every opportunity to grow and develop in a stress-free environment. There have been a few days here and there where I have struggled with letting go of such a big part of my identity, but thankfully, it's getting better with each passing day. I know in my heart and head that those things were temperal at best and a distraction at worst, so it's better to not have my focus being so divided. I just  need to stand firm on that conviction.

Doing the right thing...

This week, so far, has been great in the sense of seeing some good results. But, as I'm sure most people know, the work required to get good results can sometimes be tedious, painful, or challening to accomplish. It can require us to squirm in discomfort from the heat or backlash we might experience from others. It can require us to give up even more in order to attain something greater. It can cause us to increase in areas. It can cause us to decrease / give up even more in areas. It can cause some relationships to end, others to begin. It can push some away, draw others close. It can require us to be quiet, inwardly and outwardly. 

But, even when it's uncomfortable, coming to the end and seeing the fruits of your labor when you have succeeded makes the uncomfort completely worth it. And more willing to go through the next process.  

Trying something new...

Since becoming a stay at home mom, I have tried to be aware of what's running in the background noise of our home life. J's first few weeks at home were mostly spent in one of his parent's arms, catching zzz's whenever we could. "Deadliest Catch" (Discovery Channel) was our background noise because they were showing a marathon. Once P returned to work, I found a few tv shows that I liked to watch during J's feedings and naptimes. Mostly old school favorites like "In The Heat of The Night" and some newer shows like "The Closer."

But, once J stopped nursing at 3 months, TV was just noise. It was too difficult to get engaged in a plot and the last thing I wanted was him to become accustomed to it always being on. So, we started to save our TV viewing until after J went to bed around 9pm. This worked in the sense that one or both of us had some uninterrupted time to concentrate on the story line or catch up on the news. But, it also meant that the time P and I had to ourselves was becoming even more limited.

I'm kind of embarassed to say, but we finally realized this about two weeks ago and decided that something had to be done about that. So, 9pm is the new "date" time. Even if it means that we're folding laundry together, cleaning the kitchen together, or getting ready for bed together, it's our time to talk about our day and touch base before the next day is upon us. It's been really  nice to save up things that I want to remember to tell P about and then actually be able to watch his expressions and interact with him face to face instead of sending text messages throughout the day.

The other thing I have decided to do today is to change the background noise during the day. We stopped having the TV on during the day several months ago, so what I would end up doing is loading up my iPod playlist, hit shuffle, and we would listen to whatever popped up. Now, I don't have anything that I consider to be "bad" on my playlist, but I do have quite a bit of music that's from my college era that I work out to when I'm at the gym. And, because I associate that music with a time in my life, I would find myself completely lost in memories or thoughts about the past. I spent HOURS thinking about my life back then and what I would do differently if I had the chance. I reconnected with friends from the past after hearing a song that reminded me of them. While this wasn't "bad" for me, it wasn't the best use of my time with J.

So, today, I found a gift we received from J's baby shower, an audio recording of the Bible. We spent the morning listening to Psalms while we went about our day. We cleaned the kitchen, tidied up the office and guest bathroom, started some laundry, and when it was time for J's nap, we snuggled into the armchair in the living room and listened to Psalms 23 while he fell asleep. He slept for almost 2 hours this morning which is very unusual for my busy little boy. Maybe it's a coincidence, but maybe it's because the atmosphere in our house is much more peaceful than it has been. And as for me...I found myself listening intently and thinking about how that particular passage was applicable to things. And my heart opened up a line of communication to my Father that hasn't been opened on a regular basis for quite some time now. And I found myself praying, asking God to help me focus on what I need to fix in my own life instead of being so consumed with things that I have no power over. The past, other people, other people's problems...but to help me see the things that need cleansing from the inside out in my own heart.

I am hopeful that J and I will both continue to benefit from the changes being made.

It is time...

¹¹ When I was a child, I used to talk like a child, and see things as a child does, and think like a child; but now that I have become an adult, I have finished with all childish ways.

I Corinthians 13:11 (New Jerusalem Bible)

Measuring Up

"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good." - Samuel Johnson

I have been doing some thinking about interacting with others lately. It's so easy to love those who are pleasant and amiable. It's easy to get along with those who behave acceptably. It's easy to be nice to someone when you know you will get something nice in exchange.

But, it's a true labor of love to be good to those who won't be good to you in return. It's a true testament of character to be able to turn the other cheek when someone continually mistreats you on a large scale or small scale. It's choosing to be patient with that person while you allow the experience to smooth out your rough edges.

I'm always observing those around me to see how they treat others. I'm especially interested in watching those around me when it comes to their interactions with those poor souls who work in a customer service capacity.

1. Nothing annoys me more than watching someone treat our waiter / waitress without respect. I cringe when I'm out to dinner with someone and they either act like the waitstaff doesn't exist (ignorning questions, ignoring drink refill offers, not stopping their conversation when it's time to place the order) or they act like the waitstaff are idiots who should have read their mind to know what they needed when they haven't made the request in the first place (EXCUSE ME! I NEED THREE RAMIKANS OF SALAD DRESSING - NOT TWO) Combining the two makes me never want to have lunch with you again. Complaining about having to tip or leaving less than 15% when the food and service was good is also a huge red flag for me.
2. I think we can all agree that cell phone service in general can be a little pricey and that the companies overall look for ways to make extra money at every turn. However, being rude or condescending to those working the front line for said companies is misplacing your rage. 90% of the time, the person mistreating those at work is the person who would complain about having to pay tax dollars towards TANF, SNAP, and other goverment assisted programs for those who are NOT working. Instead of thinking about how this customer service rep is making an honest day's wage at a highly stressful job with little to no thanks and support from his/her customer base, that person thinks it's perfectly fine to yell and scream and holler and pitch an adult sized hissy fit "because I want the company to know how disgusted I am with their service!" If that's really how you feel, why not write a letter or call their headquarters? I can guarantee you that the person you just yelled at isn't going to take it on a company level and pass that feedback along to their higher ups. They are going to take it personally and eventually, they will either quit their job or they will become calloused and unpleasant, unwilling to do anything above and beyond the bare minimum of their job.
3. Thinking you're more important that you actually are is another thing that annoys me, but this one amuses me at the same time. If I pull up to a valet restaurant in my 2005 Dodge Neon that's covered in dust and bug guts, I expect the person parking my car to be courteous and prompt and pleasant. But, I don't expect them to roll out the red carpet and gush all over me and make me feel important. They know as well as I do that the tip I'm able to give at the end of the night isn't going to be the same kind of tip I would give if I was driving a Bentley. Expecting people to drop everything and make a fuss over you everytime you exhale is going to cause me to limit my time with you. Especially if you expect me to make a fuss over you everytime I see you. Does this mean I'm not happy to see my friends? Of course not. I just don't make a lot of room in my life for high maintenance folks. I simply don't have enough time to invest in those kinds of relationships. 

So, what brought all this on? I was watching my son today. Watching him watching me. Watching P. And I was reminded that he is a mirror of what he is around everyday. If I want him to be respectful and treat everyone courteously, kindly, consistently....I have to be a good example. I have to provide that standard for him. And it made me realize that if I can be kind to those who will do no good to me, I can be kind to EVERYONE in my life at all times. And that is what I want J to see on a daily basis and that is one of the things I want him to remember about me when he is grown.

Housewife / Business Owner

Yesterday (and several months leading up to yesterday), I was a girl with an idea.

Today, I'm a business owner with a business plan. Very excited about how things are shaping up and can't wait to share the final product when it's ready for unveiling.

Kindness

"The kindness I have longest remembered has been of this sort, — the sort unsaid; so far behind the speaker’s lips that almost it already lay in my heart. It did not have far to go to be communicated. " - Thoreau

"Kindness is in our power, even when fondness is not."  - Samuel Johnson (I like SJ. A lot)

"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong.  Because someday in your life you will have been all of these." - George Washington Carver

"You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late."  - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Scheduling

I have had a job since I was 16...which means that I have been working over half of my life at this point. Prior to working outside of my home, I helped my parents wrangle children, clean house, do laundry, cook (disasterous on many occasions), run errands, etc...

Combining my life up to 16 with all of the things I've learned from working, I have a need for schedules. A need for to do lists. A need for a project list. A need to manage things on Excel spreadsheets. A need to take inventory of things. A need to issue progress reports. And, much to P's chagrin, I have found a way to do all of these things in my new role. He refers to me being in work mode as me being in "doing mode" and there is an entire song that he's made up about it to the tune of "Hey There, Lonely Girl" by Eddie Holman. It's pretty amusing, I must say, even though it's completely at my expense. And he's going to have to stop singing it in front of J before too long unless P wants to take up explaining Freud and a few other things to his 2 year old.

I always have a little giggle on the inside whenever my career minded friends make comments about how nice it must be to stay in bed all day, wander around in my pjs, watch tv all day, or go shopping whenever I feel like it. I'm not sure where they are getting their information on what a housewife's life looks like, but I must have missed out on that "how-to" training session. I feel just as busy as I did when I was working 55-60 hours a week at my last "real job"...the difference being that I'm on call 24/7 and I don't have any sick days or vacation days.

(Yes, I have made myself a schedule. And it is posted on the bulletin board in my kitchen)

But, I wouldn't trade this life for ANYTHING. Aside from the obvious enjoyment of being home with J, I have actually really enjoyed working on house related projects that have been on hold since we moved here in '06. I've learned a lot about our spending patterns, buying habits, and tendencies from taking inventory of what is occupying our house at the moment. I was finally able to get all of my fabric out of storage and start mapping out what sewing projects I want to work on in a few weeks. I have had the time to sort through and scan most of the film negatives from my parents house and get them safely tucked away on my hard drive. I'm learning how to COOK. And it's actually tasting pretty good!

And, I am realizing that while I enjoyed those 15 years of pushing myself and challenging myself and going to bed exhausted because of the long days and multiple problem solving opportunities everyday...I'm finding the same in what I'm doing now and the benefits are so much greater.

Crossroads

I would like to make a case against the old saying, "Hindsight is 20/20" because if that was true, I can think of a handful of things I would have done differently along the way by being able to quickly go back and reverse a decision I made.

I think if the statement is true, it's only true years after the event has passed. Only at the point when you can lay hurt feelings aside, be completely honest with yourself about what caused you to act the way you did about things, and stop questioning what caused the other party's actions to play out the way things did can you truly say that hindsight is 20/20. Otherwise, looking back is being filtered. And usually the filter is already tainted with too many other feelings, emotions, or speculations which makes anything you might take away from the experience invalid.

Directly after the event occurs, the emotions can range from relief to anger to pain to guilt. Maybe you think it was for the best. Maybe you think it's the worst thing that has ever happened to you. Maybe you're too afraid to feel anything about it all so you box it up and put it away on a high shelf where you won't think to look at it again for awhile. Maybe you obsess over every little detail, looking for answers and trying to fit all the puzzle pieces together. Maybe your pride kicks in and you refuse to acknowledge what YOU did that caused things to unravel or come together in such ways.

Then, a few weeks go by. You find that you are no longer remembering every little detail. Maybe you can go through most of the day before something causes you to remember. Maybe you have removed everything or everyone that would make you remember so it's like it never even happened.

Then, a few months or a year goes by. Maybe something triggers a memory like a song or a scent or a taste. And instead of feeling the same way, you feel almost the opposite. Pain is replaced with warmth. Happiness / joy is replaced with regret. Anger replaced with love. Pride replaced with humbleness. Relief replaced with sadness. And instead of shoving everything aside, you find yourself beginning to make peace with each piece as you break it down and look at it section by section. As you resolve one piece, you put it away, most likely to never see it again.

And then, what you have left at the end of the process is either complete resolution of understanding exactly what happened and why. Or, you are left with a few things that don't quite make sense. They haven't exactly been resolved. You're still not sure what happened or why it happened or who initiated the event. And you can't move forward or put it away never to look at again because it still doesn't make any sense.

It's then, only here at this point, can hindsight be 20/20. Only here can you truly say "This is what I should have done," "This is how I wish I had handled things," "Had I done this instead, this is where my life would have taken a different path or direction." The unfortunate thing about reaching this point, most of the time, is that what was once a crossroads has now become an intricate web and if you were to pull on that one loose string, everything you have done since that event would become unraveled in the process.

What this means for someone like me is that instead of having everything in my life neatly resolved and put away, there will have to be things that never receive the level of closure that I would prefer. Instead of getting to go back and get to the bottom of exactly what happened and what I could have, should have, might have, wished I had done...I have to accept that the past is behind me. Whatever lies back there in one way or another has led me to where I am today. And the love, forgiveness, and mercy extended to my life in spite of some very bad decisions are not to be taken for granted.

And the second chances to make things right are not to be squandered by being selfish and only thinking about myself. It's the chance to resolve and grow and be refined. If the chance is misused, it will end up being another crossroads leading to hindsight causing me to wish I had made a better decision when the event was occuring.

I hate repeating things I should have done better/known better in the first place.

Exhaustion

Ever run something through your brain so much that you need a mental health day from your own mind?

Yeah, totally that girl right now. I know it's all part of this process of being refined and pressed down and decreasing and learning to trust which means I can do it if I have my confidence in the right place.

But, tonight, my brain aches. And my heart hurts a little. And my temper is ragged and frayed. And my mouth hurts from keeping it closed when there are so many things that want to pour out in a torrent at times. These times are good for me...lather, rinse, repeat.

Boundaries, lines, and the ripple effect

I am having one of those weeks. It seems like I have one of those weeks every 3 months or so and it's the kind of week where everything leading up to it has been smooth sailing. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and all is right in the world.

But, then, something from a long time ago in a very different life to the one I have now will pop up on the horizion. And I will worry and fret and remember and grow cold and warm up as it gets closer and closer. Knowing darn well that it's best to leave it alone. Knowing it's better to turn around and walk away so I can't see it on the horizion any longer and maybe forget it's there. And, there is some improvement in the sense that my resistance is being built up. It takes longer for me to succumb...but I still end up giving in. I don't jump in with both feet any longer, but I still dip my toe in the water which is long enough for all those things from long ago to rush over me and fill me with dread, regret, anxiety, guilt, remorse, discontentment, and wondering what if.

None of these things are profitable. None of these things help me reach my goal of ascending. None of these things help me leave the past behind. And after I've pushed past the boundary, I remember why it's not good for me to go to that place.

I just need to be better about remembering BEFORE the line is crossed. And, I have GOT to get some of these issues settled within myself so the pull is no longer there. There are some very basic things that I'm still struggling to answer at this point. The first being...is there room in your life for people who don't adhere to the same standards? Especially people who were part of your past and only know who you were back then. Would they be interested in being a part of your life if they got to know you now?

What I am finding as these people pop back into my life is that most of them DO want to be a part of my life again. And the main reason that continues to come up is because I'm not the same person. I don't act the same way. I'm in a better place now and they want to know who I am now. This is encouraging....but at the same time, depending on who they were to me in my past...there are a lot of emotions and feelings that seem to get dredged up and that has the potential to cause problems. And in some cases, my life has moved forward/changed so much while they are still in the same place doing the same things they were when we were running around which means it's hard to find common ground so we end up talking about "the good old days." For the record, my good old days were not that great. Looking back, most of them were heart breaking now that my perspective on life has been altered. Significantly.

The second thing that needs resolution is how much effect will me letting people from the past back in have on P and J? Obviously, I would want to include them in the process. It's important for anyone from back then to realize that I'm married now. I'm a mom now. I don't have the time or interest to do a lot of things that we used to do back in the day. But, depending on my past relationships with some of these people, it could be difficult for everyone concerned. You read about lost loves reconnecting through Facebook and all of that and I know that's not something I'm out looking for...but I have no idea what's driving the other person to reach out and make the connection with me. And when I do feel compelled to make a connection with someone, am I always sure of my motivation?

Most of the time, I feel completely overwhelmed by what's happened in the past and a huge desire to make it right.

But, maybe I need to just turn the valve off before any of that occurs. Maybe I need to draw a line over the past and only focus on the here and now. Maybe it's all a giant test to see where my heart is in these matters.

The only thing that's really clear to me is that I need a lot more wisdom and a lot more discernment in the matter. Especially since this issue seems to come up a lot for me.

Letting people in....

I have decided that the 3 year old in me who was incredibly "slow to warm" when it came to most people is still very much alive and well. On occasion, I will meet someone that I instantly like or feel close to, but, for the most part, I don't make my mind up until weeks, months, or years after meeting a new person.

I like to observe and listen and take notes before I open my life up and let someone new in. I am beginning to realize that this quirk is going to clash with the way I am wanting to live my life. Especially in regards to those people who are also a part of the body of Christ. I think I'm entering into one of those seasons of being stretched and pushed and molded into something better. It's a difficult process for me. I can see the need for growth and I can acknowledge the benefits that will come from it, but as it's happening to me, there are times when I feel myself saying, "Really, Lord? Is that really something that has to be addressed right now? Really?" And the answer to date has always been a resounding YES.

One area that I feel some pain in already is the boundaries of being content pressing even tighter inward. It seems like my husband and I will go through a season of learning to live frugually and once we accept it and walk in it for a length of time, something unexpected comes along and we're able to take care of some of our more pressing "to do's". Then, we'll have a season of not having to watch everything so closely while still living well within our means. This time around, our carefully calculated annual budget had to be readjusted in a major way a few weeks ago. We made the finanical decision together that I could stay home with J when he was born because there were several other sources of income that equaled the salary I was bringing in. It's been smooth sailing since then but due to changes at P's company, we're not going to receive all of the extra income unless something miraculous happens. We're going to be okay thanks to us using our more prosperous times to completely get out of debt with the exception of the house, but we are going to have a lot more rice and beans nights and a lot less bargain shopping (my vice) and probably a lot less Direct TV/Fox Soccer Channel (his vice). I'm really thankful that my husband and I are on the same page and that he has had the foresight to use the extra income from last year to pay our mortgage this year. It has left us just enough room to buy exactly what we need for the rest of 2011 without me having to leave J and return to work. It also means we won't have the added cost of childcare which would most likely end up using most of any salary I could bring in. It's encouraging to me that even in the midst of the lessons, He still knows how to take care of our needs. It increases my faith a lot.

The second area that I think I am probably going to have some growing in ties back to being patient with EVERYONE (not just the people I like) and having a lot of wisdom about who I can allow to spend a lot of time with J. It's all about finding that balance of being loving and transparent and open with everyone without dropping my guard about who is influencing is my son. For example, there are a few people who have expressed that they would love to spend more time with J. They have expressed disappointment over not being able to hold him until he was several months old. They have gone out of their way to buy him presents and offer parenting advice. But, because of my tendency to watch, observe, and take notes, I haven't been comfortable with allowing them to have a lot of access to J. I have observed them with other children and other parents and have noticed a pattern of them taking a lot of liberties with other people's children once the door was opened. Tattling, bossing around, giving unnecessary instruction, handing the children off to other people without checking with the parents first, and feeding babies table food without the parents being asked are some of the behaviors that concern me. I don't want someone thinking that because they have held J once, they will always have the right to come up and take him away from me without asking me first. As a result, I have been very protective with J and have preferred to keep him with me whenever we are out and about. If I have to leave him, I prefer my mother or my sisters to come stay with him. He was almost 4 months old before I took him to the grocery store because I didn't want anyone touching him or breathing on him. Overprotective, probably yes, a little. But, at the same time, he is my most precious gift and I would never want to allow anything to come into his life that could have a negative effect. 

But, now that he is getting older, I think I am going to have work through some of this "slow to warm" mentality with those who are in the Body of Christ and be more willing to interact with all the members, regardless of what they may or may not have done that lines up with my parenting mentality. I have to realize at some point that I need to be more patient with those who are working through things. And even more patient with those who might not yet realize that they have some things to work on. If I want patience extended toward me, I have to be willing to give it. If I want openess and kindness, I have to be willing to show both. If I want forgiveness, I have to be willing to forgive. 

Growing up is hard...but I have been promised that it will be worth it. And letting people in will be worth it as long as I'm using a lot of wisdom and discernment to figure out who, when, and how much to let in at any given point.