Well, simply put, I wouldn't.
Living in the here and now, enjoying the life that I have now, being thankful for His mercies which are new every single day means there is peace and contentment. There is a complete lack of anxiety or fear. I don't have to spend a single second of my day trying to figure out all the angles and plan and scheme my future away.
I remember being 19 - 23. They were some of the darkest, most feaful days of my life. I thought I knew better. I thought there was a better life "somewhere out there" away from the accountability and away from the support that had been offered to me through my family and my extended family. I allowed myself to look to other PEOPLE as my standard and was somehow shocked and disappointed when they failed to measure up to my expectations at times. I grew weary in walking in love towards other people. I grew tired of "having people poking their nose into my business all the time" because I wasn't able to see that they were holding a mirror up to my face and asking me to take a look at what I was becoming. I didn't understand it came from a place of caring about me and for me and wanting to see me succeed in everything that was GOOD for me.
It breaks my heart to see others struggling with the same things. And it's not just the younger crowd. I see people my age and older going through the same testing that I went through all those years ago. And, I want to say to each of them...it will not be worth it in the end should you choose to turn your back on the things that you know to be true. Even if you were to argue that you are unsure of the truth or you don't agree that it's the truth, time will show. And the world is a harsh teacher and even crueler master.
Count the cost before you put on those rose colored glasses and abandon everything you have known up to this point. If there is a lack of peace, it's not from above.
And that's all I have to say about that.
Showing posts with label things that make your heart hurt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label things that make your heart hurt. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Sweet, Sweet Summertime
It DOES get hot around here in the summertime, but I would rather have this dry Oklahoma heat and all the goodness it brings over the rainy summer in the UK any day of the week! I do miss the Pimms and Lemonade sometimes, though.
Prior to getting pregnant with J, I loathed melons of all sorts and kinds. The thought of eating a melon would make my mouth curl up and the texture? Don't even get me started on the texture of melons. But, at this time last year, when I was waddling around 6.5 months pregnant, I found myself not just wanting a melon. CRAVING a melon. And so, for the last trimester of my pregnancy, P and I had lunch in the hospital cafeteria (yes, I know it's a strang place to actually WANT to eat everyday, but the food is pretty good and it's easy on the old budget) and I got a huge plate of honeydew, cantaloupe, watermelon, and pineapple thrown in for good measure alongside a huge scoop of cottage cheese. BTW, I used to loathe cottage cheese even more than I loathed melon.
So, now that J is a baby and no longer has any input on what sounds good to eat, I am finding myself craving melons and cottage cheese again! The difference this year will be that we can actually travel out to the little roadside fruit stands and meet up with local farmers selling homegrown melons out of the backs of their old beat up pickup trucks. I personally think it's going to be even better this time around.
I am also looking forward to spending some time outdoors with P once J is in bed. Just the two of us, sitting on the back porch (baby monitor nearby), a glass of wine or iced tea, catching up in the cooler part of the day.
And, the 4th of July is my most favorite holiday. Ever. Hands down. Homemade ice cream, fireworks at Mom and Dad's house in the country, grilling out, loads of fresh veggies (hopefully from Granpa's garden), and J splashing around in his baby swimming pool.
Yes, it's hot...but it's the only time of year that slows down enough to make me feel like I'm 8 years old again and don't have a care in the world. I'm looking forward to introducing J to all the joys of summertime. Next summer, he'll be 18 months old, able to do for himself and most likely, a living example of Newton's 1st Law of Motion. But this year? I can hold him in my lap and talk to him about all the things that only happen this time of year, and watch him taking everything in. And hopefully, summer will become his favorite season as well. I think if I were a little boy, it would be the absolute best time of year to revel in all things dirt, water, and living.
Prior to getting pregnant with J, I loathed melons of all sorts and kinds. The thought of eating a melon would make my mouth curl up and the texture? Don't even get me started on the texture of melons. But, at this time last year, when I was waddling around 6.5 months pregnant, I found myself not just wanting a melon. CRAVING a melon. And so, for the last trimester of my pregnancy, P and I had lunch in the hospital cafeteria (yes, I know it's a strang place to actually WANT to eat everyday, but the food is pretty good and it's easy on the old budget) and I got a huge plate of honeydew, cantaloupe, watermelon, and pineapple thrown in for good measure alongside a huge scoop of cottage cheese. BTW, I used to loathe cottage cheese even more than I loathed melon.
So, now that J is a baby and no longer has any input on what sounds good to eat, I am finding myself craving melons and cottage cheese again! The difference this year will be that we can actually travel out to the little roadside fruit stands and meet up with local farmers selling homegrown melons out of the backs of their old beat up pickup trucks. I personally think it's going to be even better this time around.
I am also looking forward to spending some time outdoors with P once J is in bed. Just the two of us, sitting on the back porch (baby monitor nearby), a glass of wine or iced tea, catching up in the cooler part of the day.
And, the 4th of July is my most favorite holiday. Ever. Hands down. Homemade ice cream, fireworks at Mom and Dad's house in the country, grilling out, loads of fresh veggies (hopefully from Granpa's garden), and J splashing around in his baby swimming pool.
Yes, it's hot...but it's the only time of year that slows down enough to make me feel like I'm 8 years old again and don't have a care in the world. I'm looking forward to introducing J to all the joys of summertime. Next summer, he'll be 18 months old, able to do for himself and most likely, a living example of Newton's 1st Law of Motion. But this year? I can hold him in my lap and talk to him about all the things that only happen this time of year, and watch him taking everything in. And hopefully, summer will become his favorite season as well. I think if I were a little boy, it would be the absolute best time of year to revel in all things dirt, water, and living.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Trying something new...
Since becoming a stay at home mom, I have tried to be aware of what's running in the background noise of our home life. J's first few weeks at home were mostly spent in one of his parent's arms, catching zzz's whenever we could. "Deadliest Catch" (Discovery Channel) was our background noise because they were showing a marathon. Once P returned to work, I found a few tv shows that I liked to watch during J's feedings and naptimes. Mostly old school favorites like "In The Heat of The Night" and some newer shows like "The Closer."
But, once J stopped nursing at 3 months, TV was just noise. It was too difficult to get engaged in a plot and the last thing I wanted was him to become accustomed to it always being on. So, we started to save our TV viewing until after J went to bed around 9pm. This worked in the sense that one or both of us had some uninterrupted time to concentrate on the story line or catch up on the news. But, it also meant that the time P and I had to ourselves was becoming even more limited.
I'm kind of embarassed to say, but we finally realized this about two weeks ago and decided that something had to be done about that. So, 9pm is the new "date" time. Even if it means that we're folding laundry together, cleaning the kitchen together, or getting ready for bed together, it's our time to talk about our day and touch base before the next day is upon us. It's been really nice to save up things that I want to remember to tell P about and then actually be able to watch his expressions and interact with him face to face instead of sending text messages throughout the day.
The other thing I have decided to do today is to change the background noise during the day. We stopped having the TV on during the day several months ago, so what I would end up doing is loading up my iPod playlist, hit shuffle, and we would listen to whatever popped up. Now, I don't have anything that I consider to be "bad" on my playlist, but I do have quite a bit of music that's from my college era that I work out to when I'm at the gym. And, because I associate that music with a time in my life, I would find myself completely lost in memories or thoughts about the past. I spent HOURS thinking about my life back then and what I would do differently if I had the chance. I reconnected with friends from the past after hearing a song that reminded me of them. While this wasn't "bad" for me, it wasn't the best use of my time with J.
So, today, I found a gift we received from J's baby shower, an audio recording of the Bible. We spent the morning listening to Psalms while we went about our day. We cleaned the kitchen, tidied up the office and guest bathroom, started some laundry, and when it was time for J's nap, we snuggled into the armchair in the living room and listened to Psalms 23 while he fell asleep. He slept for almost 2 hours this morning which is very unusual for my busy little boy. Maybe it's a coincidence, but maybe it's because the atmosphere in our house is much more peaceful than it has been. And as for me...I found myself listening intently and thinking about how that particular passage was applicable to things. And my heart opened up a line of communication to my Father that hasn't been opened on a regular basis for quite some time now. And I found myself praying, asking God to help me focus on what I need to fix in my own life instead of being so consumed with things that I have no power over. The past, other people, other people's problems...but to help me see the things that need cleansing from the inside out in my own heart.
I am hopeful that J and I will both continue to benefit from the changes being made.
But, once J stopped nursing at 3 months, TV was just noise. It was too difficult to get engaged in a plot and the last thing I wanted was him to become accustomed to it always being on. So, we started to save our TV viewing until after J went to bed around 9pm. This worked in the sense that one or both of us had some uninterrupted time to concentrate on the story line or catch up on the news. But, it also meant that the time P and I had to ourselves was becoming even more limited.
I'm kind of embarassed to say, but we finally realized this about two weeks ago and decided that something had to be done about that. So, 9pm is the new "date" time. Even if it means that we're folding laundry together, cleaning the kitchen together, or getting ready for bed together, it's our time to talk about our day and touch base before the next day is upon us. It's been really nice to save up things that I want to remember to tell P about and then actually be able to watch his expressions and interact with him face to face instead of sending text messages throughout the day.
The other thing I have decided to do today is to change the background noise during the day. We stopped having the TV on during the day several months ago, so what I would end up doing is loading up my iPod playlist, hit shuffle, and we would listen to whatever popped up. Now, I don't have anything that I consider to be "bad" on my playlist, but I do have quite a bit of music that's from my college era that I work out to when I'm at the gym. And, because I associate that music with a time in my life, I would find myself completely lost in memories or thoughts about the past. I spent HOURS thinking about my life back then and what I would do differently if I had the chance. I reconnected with friends from the past after hearing a song that reminded me of them. While this wasn't "bad" for me, it wasn't the best use of my time with J.
So, today, I found a gift we received from J's baby shower, an audio recording of the Bible. We spent the morning listening to Psalms while we went about our day. We cleaned the kitchen, tidied up the office and guest bathroom, started some laundry, and when it was time for J's nap, we snuggled into the armchair in the living room and listened to Psalms 23 while he fell asleep. He slept for almost 2 hours this morning which is very unusual for my busy little boy. Maybe it's a coincidence, but maybe it's because the atmosphere in our house is much more peaceful than it has been. And as for me...I found myself listening intently and thinking about how that particular passage was applicable to things. And my heart opened up a line of communication to my Father that hasn't been opened on a regular basis for quite some time now. And I found myself praying, asking God to help me focus on what I need to fix in my own life instead of being so consumed with things that I have no power over. The past, other people, other people's problems...but to help me see the things that need cleansing from the inside out in my own heart.
I am hopeful that J and I will both continue to benefit from the changes being made.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Dr. Pop
Last night, J's "teething" symptoms turned into trouble breathing and coming out of being asleep with uncontrollable screaming. It was about 11:30pm and we debated about calling my dad (who also happens to be J's doctor) or driving to the ER. We ended up trying my mom's phone instead and after no answer, I took it as a sign that we needed to go ahead and go in to the ER.
They whisked us back to a room, put J through all of the unpleasantness of getting your vitals taken when you're less than a year old, and after a brief visit with the doctor, we had to wrap J in a blanket and hold him while his nose and throat were swabbed.
He finally fell asleep in my arms around 1am. His breathing difficulties had subsided quite a bit by 1:30am. They released us at 2:30am with a negative on strep and RSV test results and instructions to follow up with J's doctor the next day.
J did not sleep more than 45 min last night. I stayed up with him until 4:30am. P took over until 9:45am. Then we switched out and P took a 2 hour nap before J's doctor appointment. I think J slept about 30 min during this entire timeframe and was so exhausted that every little thing was sending him into complete meltdown mode.
After a brief nap in the car on the way to to doctor's, we were able to see Pop (J's grandpa) and J was diagnosed with Herpangina. The blisters on the back of his throat are very painful and that is most likely why he has not been able to sleep. The good news is that it's completely treatable with over the counter medication. The bad news is that he's going to feel sick over the next few days until the blisters clear up.
Obviously, we have decided that it's best for J (and all of the other children his age) if we self impose a quarantine until he is completely well. I'm trying to get over being annoyed about this, but if someone else had extended that same courtesy, my sweet baby J might not be suffering at the moment. Sheesh!
They whisked us back to a room, put J through all of the unpleasantness of getting your vitals taken when you're less than a year old, and after a brief visit with the doctor, we had to wrap J in a blanket and hold him while his nose and throat were swabbed.
He finally fell asleep in my arms around 1am. His breathing difficulties had subsided quite a bit by 1:30am. They released us at 2:30am with a negative on strep and RSV test results and instructions to follow up with J's doctor the next day.
J did not sleep more than 45 min last night. I stayed up with him until 4:30am. P took over until 9:45am. Then we switched out and P took a 2 hour nap before J's doctor appointment. I think J slept about 30 min during this entire timeframe and was so exhausted that every little thing was sending him into complete meltdown mode.
After a brief nap in the car on the way to to doctor's, we were able to see Pop (J's grandpa) and J was diagnosed with Herpangina. The blisters on the back of his throat are very painful and that is most likely why he has not been able to sleep. The good news is that it's completely treatable with over the counter medication. The bad news is that he's going to feel sick over the next few days until the blisters clear up.
Obviously, we have decided that it's best for J (and all of the other children his age) if we self impose a quarantine until he is completely well. I'm trying to get over being annoyed about this, but if someone else had extended that same courtesy, my sweet baby J might not be suffering at the moment. Sheesh!
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