Towing The Line

Sweet Baby Elliott is fast approaching his 9 month birthday and what a crazy week it has been for him! The side roll / side plank combo has evolved into being able to sit up by himself and his snail pace scooting across the floor has turned into a speedy army crawl. He disappears from view in a matter of seconds and his most favorite place to go in the entire house is Jackson's room. I have found him several times happily sitting in the middle of Jack's floor surrounded by toys. And today, I peeked into his room at naptime and found him STANDING UP in his crib looking very pleased with himself. I think naptimes will prove a little difficult until the novelty of standing up has worn off.

In light of how big the boys are getting and taking my health and age into consideration, we need to make a decision about the possibility of Baby #3. Not in the sense of trying right away, but more along the lines of getting it on the schedule. It's something I have been thinking about and praying about for several months. I just feel like we are supposed to have one more baby and after being lost in my own thoughts about it, I finally reached out to Pete last week to check in and see where he is on the subject.

He was pretty supportive of the idea on a verbal front, but after watching him for the past week, something hasn't been right in his countenance or attitude. Lots of frustration, anger, bad language, easily provoked, etc... and last night, he got upset with me for stepping in when he and Jackson were doing their oil and water Custer's Last Stand. I probably should have stayed out of it and let them work it out, but I had a migraine, I had just gotten Elliott to sleep, and the yelling was getting really LOUD.

After I got Jack into bed, Pete said a few things that caused me to stop talking (which is a feat in and of itself) and this morning, I felt a stirring to just reach out again. I decided to send the following text: "Hey Babe. It's pretty obvious that you do not want anymore children. Rather than have it continue to be a point of contention or leverage during arguments, I just wanted to say that I am thankful for the two boys we do have and that I won't bring the subject up again." His two word response was "Thank you."

And now, I am sad. I know it was the right thing to do, but it still makes my eyes tear up when I think about how I won't ever feel our sweet little baby moving around inside of me or what it feels like to see my baby's sweet face for the first time. So many amazing experiences that I thought I would get to enjoy and relish one more time. And now, it looks like that isn't going to be the case.

 I am just asking the Lord to help me get over this and not be upset or resentful about this as the years go by.