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Saturday, June 16, 2012

Time On My Hands (This has been sitting in Drafts since July 2011....oooops!)

Thanks to J being a very happy, cooperative baby yesterday, I did every single thing on my to do list which means that I am currently lounging in bed in my PJs, catching up on my online reading material, and listening to J giggle and laugh at something in his crib.

I have the entire day to do whatever sounds like fun. Since free days so rarely happen, I'm trying to compile a mental list of what J and I could do today. So far, it's looking pretty good. My only disappointment is that P had to work today. If all three of us were home, the day would be perfect because J loves having his dadddy home during the day...and I like it pretty well myself.

I had a really good conversation with an old friend yesterday. The kind of conversation that brings about clarity and revelation and resolution to some things that have been following me around for years. I know that getting older is a struggle for many people, but I am thankful for the aging / maturing process because it has made it easier to communicate and it has made it easier to wade through emotions that cloud issues and distort memories. Being older also has curbed a lot of my impulses. The ability to make myself stop and wait and really consider my actions PRIOR to taking them is also something I'm thankful for everyday. When I was younger, I would react in a split second to any kind of conflict or struggle and usually end up swinging to the opposite of what I thought I should do. It caused so many problems, strained so many relationships, and burned so many unnecessary bridges. It also allowed too many negative things to have acccess to my life. I wish I had taken the time to stop, detatch from my feelings (which can be quite deceptive), and truly evaluate what was going on, both within myself and around me. I can promise you that my life would look completely different.

And, that's not me detracting from the life that I have now. I love my son, my husband, my parents, my siblings, and my life in Oklahoma. I just wish I didn't have so many things that need to be addressed and dealt with in my heart and mind because of decisions I chose to make along the way. I probably sound like a broken record at this point, but, it's what weighs most heavily for whatever reason. I'm just thankful for the opportunity to work through it and hopefully, lay it to rest once and for all.

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