Time On My Hands (This has been sitting in Drafts since July 2011....oooops!)

Thanks to J being a very happy, cooperative baby yesterday, I did every single thing on my to do list which means that I am currently lounging in bed in my PJs, catching up on my online reading material, and listening to J giggle and laugh at something in his crib.



I have the entire day to do whatever sounds like fun. Since free days so rarely happen, I'm trying to compile a mental list of what J and I could do today. So far, it's looking pretty good. My only disappointment is that P had to work today. If all three of us were home, the day would be perfect because J loves having his dadddy home during the day...and I like it pretty well myself.



I had a really good conversation with an old friend yesterday. The kind of conversation that brings about clarity and revelation and resolution to some things that have been following me around for years. I know that getting older is a struggle for many people, but I am thankful for the aging / maturing process because it has made it easier to communicate and it has made it easier to wade through emotions that cloud issues and distort memories. Being older also has curbed a lot of my impulses. The ability to make myself stop and wait and really consider my actions PRIOR to taking them is also something I'm thankful for everyday. When I was younger, I would react in a split second to any kind of conflict or struggle and usually end up swinging to the opposite of what I thought I should do. It caused so many problems, strained so many relationships, and burned so many unnecessary bridges. It also allowed too many negative things to have acccess to my life. I wish I had taken the time to stop, detatch from my feelings (which can be quite deceptive), and truly evaluate what was going on, both within myself and around me. I can promise you that my life would look completely different.



And, that's not me detracting from the life that I have now. I love my son, my husband, my parents, my siblings, and my life in Oklahoma. I just wish I didn't have so many things that need to be addressed and dealt with in my heart and mind because of decisions I chose to make along the way. I probably sound like a broken record at this point, but, it's what weighs most heavily for whatever reason. I'm just thankful for the opportunity to work through it and hopefully, lay it to rest once and for all.

Letting go (again)

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us." - Alexander Graham Bell

Boundaries, lines, and the ripple effect

I am having one of those weeks. It seems like I have one of those weeks every 3 months or so and it's the kind of week where everything leading up to it has been smooth sailing. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and all is right in the world.

But, then, something from a long time ago in a very different life to the one I have now will pop up on the horizion. And I will worry and fret and remember and grow cold and warm up as it gets closer and closer. Knowing darn well that it's best to leave it alone. Knowing it's better to turn around and walk away so I can't see it on the horizion any longer and maybe forget it's there. And, there is some improvement in the sense that my resistance is being built up. It takes longer for me to succumb...but I still end up giving in. I don't jump in with both feet any longer, but I still dip my toe in the water which is long enough for all those things from long ago to rush over me and fill me with dread, regret, anxiety, guilt, remorse, discontentment, and wondering what if.

None of these things are profitable. None of these things help me reach my goal of ascending. None of these things help me leave the past behind. And after I've pushed past the boundary, I remember why it's not good for me to go to that place.

I just need to be better about remembering BEFORE the line is crossed. And, I have GOT to get some of these issues settled within myself so the pull is no longer there. There are some very basic things that I'm still struggling to answer at this point. The first being...is there room in your life for people who don't adhere to the same standards? Especially people who were part of your past and only know who you were back then. Would they be interested in being a part of your life if they got to know you now?

What I am finding as these people pop back into my life is that most of them DO want to be a part of my life again. And the main reason that continues to come up is because I'm not the same person. I don't act the same way. I'm in a better place now and they want to know who I am now. This is encouraging....but at the same time, depending on who they were to me in my past...there are a lot of emotions and feelings that seem to get dredged up and that has the potential to cause problems. And in some cases, my life has moved forward/changed so much while they are still in the same place doing the same things they were when we were running around which means it's hard to find common ground so we end up talking about "the good old days." For the record, my good old days were not that great. Looking back, most of them were heart breaking now that my perspective on life has been altered. Significantly.

The second thing that needs resolution is how much effect will me letting people from the past back in have on P and J? Obviously, I would want to include them in the process. It's important for anyone from back then to realize that I'm married now. I'm a mom now. I don't have the time or interest to do a lot of things that we used to do back in the day. But, depending on my past relationships with some of these people, it could be difficult for everyone concerned. You read about lost loves reconnecting through Facebook and all of that and I know that's not something I'm out looking for...but I have no idea what's driving the other person to reach out and make the connection with me. And when I do feel compelled to make a connection with someone, am I always sure of my motivation?

Most of the time, I feel completely overwhelmed by what's happened in the past and a huge desire to make it right.

But, maybe I need to just turn the valve off before any of that occurs. Maybe I need to draw a line over the past and only focus on the here and now. Maybe it's all a giant test to see where my heart is in these matters.

The only thing that's really clear to me is that I need a lot more wisdom and a lot more discernment in the matter. Especially since this issue seems to come up a lot for me.