The holidays always bring me out of my day to day routine and thrust me into happenings in the community. I love it for the most part because I get to catch up with people I haven't seen in awhile.
Tonight was a good example. I haven't officially worked since Sept 2010, but my former employer still treats me like family and I got a special invitation to the women's Christmas gift exchange. I loved being able to see everyone and visit without having to disrupt their workday like I usually do whenever I want to see them. Some things have changed a lot. And some things never change. I found myself able to just thoroughly enjoy the evening. It's something that has changed for me since I had time to step away from the career side of myself and embrace the domestic / mom / wife side of myself.
I think being a mother has made me a nicer person in short.
And, in thinking about what has changed so much for me it boils down to this simple thing...I find myself wanting to acknowledge others. Wanting to make the effort to say hello and invest a few minutes in conversation. And, sometimes, realizing that there is opportunity to encourage by going a step further than a hello. It's very enjoyable to find these moments.
I also realized that sometimes, the most hurtful thing I can do someone else is to simply not acknowledge them or their presence. Examples would be glancing over during my grocery shopping and then pretending like I didn't see someone so I don't have to stop what I'm doing and say hi. Or, not stopping my conversation to say hello to someone when they walk up to me. Not smiling when I make eye contact with someone. It's almost worse than being snappy or pointed in some ways because at least the other person exists when they do enough to get under your skin. Being able to completely block someone out can be the most hurtful thing ever.
So, I'm working on it. Going beyond polite or having to do something into really wanting to do something that says "HEY! I'm glad to see you. I hope you're having a great day. Maybe there's something I can do to help if you're not having a great day."
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Isn't It Ironic...
I have been scanning HUNDREDS of negatives this week and stumbled upon an envelope of camp pictures circa 1999. So many memories and so many people I never see at this stage of life.
I had my heart set on one person in particular so he makes many appearances on my computer screen these days. Normally, I just keep skipping along, but today, at the same time the pictures were popping up on my screen, Pandora threw this song into the mix and when I closed my eyes, I was back at camp laying on my back on the basketball court watching the stars. And that person was laying next to me singing this song to me.
I now know that this particular relationship meant the world to me at the time...and it was just one giant ego boost to that particular person and that I never meant anything special to him at all.
But dang it, that song has a way of taking me back even if it's just for a few minutes.
Back to the negatives! And a new station on Pandora, me thinks.
I had my heart set on one person in particular so he makes many appearances on my computer screen these days. Normally, I just keep skipping along, but today, at the same time the pictures were popping up on my screen, Pandora threw this song into the mix and when I closed my eyes, I was back at camp laying on my back on the basketball court watching the stars. And that person was laying next to me singing this song to me.
I now know that this particular relationship meant the world to me at the time...and it was just one giant ego boost to that particular person and that I never meant anything special to him at all.
But dang it, that song has a way of taking me back even if it's just for a few minutes.
Back to the negatives! And a new station on Pandora, me thinks.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Towing The Line
Sweet Baby Elliott is fast approaching his 9 month birthday and what a crazy week it has been for him! The side roll / side plank combo has evolved into being able to sit up by himself and his snail pace scooting across the floor has turned into a speedy army crawl. He disappears from view in a matter of seconds and his most favorite place to go in the entire house is Jackson's room. I have found him several times happily sitting in the middle of Jack's floor surrounded by toys. And today, I peeked into his room at naptime and found him STANDING UP in his crib looking very pleased with himself. I think naptimes will prove a little difficult until the novelty of standing up has worn off.
In light of how big the boys are getting and taking my health and age into consideration, we need to make a decision about the possibility of Baby #3. Not in the sense of trying right away, but more along the lines of getting it on the schedule. It's something I have been thinking about and praying about for several months. I just feel like we are supposed to have one more baby and after being lost in my own thoughts about it, I finally reached out to Pete last week to check in and see where he is on the subject.
He was pretty supportive of the idea on a verbal front, but after watching him for the past week, something hasn't been right in his countenance or attitude. Lots of frustration, anger, bad language, easily provoked, etc... and last night, he got upset with me for stepping in when he and Jackson were doing their oil and water Custer's Last Stand. I probably should have stayed out of it and let them work it out, but I had a migraine, I had just gotten Elliott to sleep, and the yelling was getting really LOUD.
After I got Jack into bed, Pete said a few things that caused me to stop talking (which is a feat in and of itself) and this morning, I felt a stirring to just reach out again. I decided to send the following text: "Hey Babe. It's pretty obvious that you do not want anymore children. Rather than have it continue to be a point of contention or leverage during arguments, I just wanted to say that I am thankful for the two boys we do have and that I won't bring the subject up again." His two word response was "Thank you."
And now, I am sad. I know it was the right thing to do, but it still makes my eyes tear up when I think about how I won't ever feel our sweet little baby moving around inside of me or what it feels like to see my baby's sweet face for the first time. So many amazing experiences that I thought I would get to enjoy and relish one more time. And now, it looks like that isn't going to be the case.
I am just asking the Lord to help me get over this and not be upset or resentful about this as the years go by.
In light of how big the boys are getting and taking my health and age into consideration, we need to make a decision about the possibility of Baby #3. Not in the sense of trying right away, but more along the lines of getting it on the schedule. It's something I have been thinking about and praying about for several months. I just feel like we are supposed to have one more baby and after being lost in my own thoughts about it, I finally reached out to Pete last week to check in and see where he is on the subject.
He was pretty supportive of the idea on a verbal front, but after watching him for the past week, something hasn't been right in his countenance or attitude. Lots of frustration, anger, bad language, easily provoked, etc... and last night, he got upset with me for stepping in when he and Jackson were doing their oil and water Custer's Last Stand. I probably should have stayed out of it and let them work it out, but I had a migraine, I had just gotten Elliott to sleep, and the yelling was getting really LOUD.
After I got Jack into bed, Pete said a few things that caused me to stop talking (which is a feat in and of itself) and this morning, I felt a stirring to just reach out again. I decided to send the following text: "Hey Babe. It's pretty obvious that you do not want anymore children. Rather than have it continue to be a point of contention or leverage during arguments, I just wanted to say that I am thankful for the two boys we do have and that I won't bring the subject up again." His two word response was "Thank you."
And now, I am sad. I know it was the right thing to do, but it still makes my eyes tear up when I think about how I won't ever feel our sweet little baby moving around inside of me or what it feels like to see my baby's sweet face for the first time. So many amazing experiences that I thought I would get to enjoy and relish one more time. And now, it looks like that isn't going to be the case.
I am just asking the Lord to help me get over this and not be upset or resentful about this as the years go by.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Making Progress
I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism in 2003. I had been tested for hypothyroidism a handful of times prior to being diagnosed beginning around sixteen years of age. My TSH levels have NEVER been outside of the "normal" range so it was certainly the Lord intervening on my behalf that led to that diagnosis because the doctor based it on my symptoms as opposed to my test results.
I started taking Synthroid shortly after diagnosis and my dosage has been adjusted 3 or 4 times over the past 9 years. I was off the medication for about 4 months when I lived in the UK because my GP / doctor wasn't comfortable refilling my prescription since he didn't diagnose me. He gave me a bottle of anti-depressants instead and told me to come back in six months to see if my numbers reflected my diagnosis. I knew the numbers wouldn't show anything so on my first visit home, I got my meds refilled in the states and never went back to the GP again. In that 4 month time period, my symptoms came flooding back and the worst day that I can remember involved having huge waves of nausea hitting me, heat flashes rolling up my body from my toes through the top of my head, being so dizzy I could barely stand up, followed by being completely disoriented while riding on the bus to get to work. I managed to stagger to the front of the bus but I couldn't stay upright and ended up slamming my cheekbone into one of the poles on the bus. The driver finally stopped and let me out and as soon as the cold air hit my face, I dropped to the sidewalk and stayed in a kneeling position while everyone got off the bus. I'm sure I looked like I had just had too much to drink the night before, but one woman stayed with me until the color came back into my cheeks. The bus stop was about 1/2 mile from my office so I still had to walk to work and ended up being about 20 minutes late which was VERY frowned upon. Thankfully, my manager could see it in my face that things were just not right.
Hypothyroidism for me has been a journey of ups and downs. The medication would work pretty well for a few years and then we would need to adjust. I have been on 150 mcg of Synthroid and I was VERY hesitant to go any higher in dosage because Synthroid (among other side effects) can cause bone density loss. I had begun to experience a lot of joint pain in my hands and feet...to the point that I couldn't hold a pen or use my sewing scissors or type on the computer without having to wear a brace. My feet were hurting to the point that they would ache at night when I was trying to sleep and sometimes, the pain would cause me to wake up in the middle of the night. I was taking 800 mcg of Ibuprofen each night to help me sleep. And, after diligently following Weight Watchers online for 8 weeks, I had actually gained a pound. I had swelling in my face, hands, feet, legs, and stomach to the point that I couldn't wear my wedding ring any longer. I was also experiencing migraine headaches several times a week.
I finally realized that all of these things were hypothyroidism symptoms! I shouldn't be experiencing ANY of these things, in my opinion, because I've been on my medication and have been diligent in watching what I eat and drink. I decided to do some research and after reading some great books and researching my medication options, I switched from Synthroid to Armour about 3 weeks ago.
In that three weeks, I have lost 7lbs. My face, hands, feet, legs, and stomach are no longer swollen. My joints have stopped hurting COMPLETELY. I haven't had a migraine in almost a week. I am sleeping at night. I don't have any fuzziness in my thinking. I am able to concentrate on what I'm doing. I just feel GOOD.
I'm excited about these changes, but I'm even more excited to see where I am 6 months down the road. Do I think Armour is a cure-all? No. But, for me, it is the missing piece needed to round out the good habits I have developed and the things I was already doing to make sure I had things under control healthwise. So, if I can keep up my end of the bargain, hopefully, my broken thyroid can meet me halfway and I can finally fit into my GAP jeans from my freshman year of college (which was the smallest I have ever been since going through puberty at age 11)...140 lbs is the smallest I have been since I was 11. Wow.
I started taking Synthroid shortly after diagnosis and my dosage has been adjusted 3 or 4 times over the past 9 years. I was off the medication for about 4 months when I lived in the UK because my GP / doctor wasn't comfortable refilling my prescription since he didn't diagnose me. He gave me a bottle of anti-depressants instead and told me to come back in six months to see if my numbers reflected my diagnosis. I knew the numbers wouldn't show anything so on my first visit home, I got my meds refilled in the states and never went back to the GP again. In that 4 month time period, my symptoms came flooding back and the worst day that I can remember involved having huge waves of nausea hitting me, heat flashes rolling up my body from my toes through the top of my head, being so dizzy I could barely stand up, followed by being completely disoriented while riding on the bus to get to work. I managed to stagger to the front of the bus but I couldn't stay upright and ended up slamming my cheekbone into one of the poles on the bus. The driver finally stopped and let me out and as soon as the cold air hit my face, I dropped to the sidewalk and stayed in a kneeling position while everyone got off the bus. I'm sure I looked like I had just had too much to drink the night before, but one woman stayed with me until the color came back into my cheeks. The bus stop was about 1/2 mile from my office so I still had to walk to work and ended up being about 20 minutes late which was VERY frowned upon. Thankfully, my manager could see it in my face that things were just not right.
Hypothyroidism for me has been a journey of ups and downs. The medication would work pretty well for a few years and then we would need to adjust. I have been on 150 mcg of Synthroid and I was VERY hesitant to go any higher in dosage because Synthroid (among other side effects) can cause bone density loss. I had begun to experience a lot of joint pain in my hands and feet...to the point that I couldn't hold a pen or use my sewing scissors or type on the computer without having to wear a brace. My feet were hurting to the point that they would ache at night when I was trying to sleep and sometimes, the pain would cause me to wake up in the middle of the night. I was taking 800 mcg of Ibuprofen each night to help me sleep. And, after diligently following Weight Watchers online for 8 weeks, I had actually gained a pound. I had swelling in my face, hands, feet, legs, and stomach to the point that I couldn't wear my wedding ring any longer. I was also experiencing migraine headaches several times a week.
I finally realized that all of these things were hypothyroidism symptoms! I shouldn't be experiencing ANY of these things, in my opinion, because I've been on my medication and have been diligent in watching what I eat and drink. I decided to do some research and after reading some great books and researching my medication options, I switched from Synthroid to Armour about 3 weeks ago.
In that three weeks, I have lost 7lbs. My face, hands, feet, legs, and stomach are no longer swollen. My joints have stopped hurting COMPLETELY. I haven't had a migraine in almost a week. I am sleeping at night. I don't have any fuzziness in my thinking. I am able to concentrate on what I'm doing. I just feel GOOD.
I'm excited about these changes, but I'm even more excited to see where I am 6 months down the road. Do I think Armour is a cure-all? No. But, for me, it is the missing piece needed to round out the good habits I have developed and the things I was already doing to make sure I had things under control healthwise. So, if I can keep up my end of the bargain, hopefully, my broken thyroid can meet me halfway and I can finally fit into my GAP jeans from my freshman year of college (which was the smallest I have ever been since going through puberty at age 11)...140 lbs is the smallest I have been since I was 11. Wow.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Smack In The Face
I hope that if you were to look at my life now, you would never guess that I kind of went off the rails during my college days. It's easy to gloss over that time in my life now because it's been a decade and so much has changed....but I'm watching someone I love with all my heart going through a similar derailment and last night, I laid it all on the table and shared everything that I believe the Lord has given me to share in terms of cautions, encouragement, and correction.
And now, we wait. And hope in the Lord because He is the ONLY one who can stop that train at this point. I certainly do not have a lot of hope in the person because the flesh is so weak in these times of temptation.
I love you, J. I hope you make the right decisions and don't allow your life to become swept away. You have too much to lose at this point.
And now, we wait. And hope in the Lord because He is the ONLY one who can stop that train at this point. I certainly do not have a lot of hope in the person because the flesh is so weak in these times of temptation.
I love you, J. I hope you make the right decisions and don't allow your life to become swept away. You have too much to lose at this point.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Soccer Widow
Soccer Widow
I am working through something that is so trivial when I actually put it into words, but it is still making me annoyed / disappointed.
Pete played soccer during the spring season with a bunch of guys we know (mostly through church.) Sounds like fun on the surface, right? Well, it wasn't. Not for him and certainly not for me. I was in my last month of pregnancy when the season officially kicked off and Elliott was born at the very end of February. Newborn babies, a 1.5 year old, and soccer practice / soccer games just do not mix. I found myself completely alone in the house every Saturday (pretty much all day), every practice night (two - three per week), whenever the guys wanted to review the games on video, and/or whenever the guys wanted to go to dinner after the game. It probably wouldn't have been so bad if it had been limited to these (too many) activities, but then there was the soccer spillover, as I like to call it.
Saturdays just wore Pete out. He's in his thirties, not used to playing that intensely, and every little thing would provoke him so by the time he arrived home from the game, he would have to spend a few hours decompressing and ragging on the other players, the other team, the ref, the crowd, WHOMEVER got on his nerves that day. I am sure it annoyed me more than it should have due to the sleep deprivation, raging hormones, mastitis, and other baby related stuff, but let me just tell you that it was one of the most discouraging seasons of my married life.
On top of that, Pete started missing church on Sundays because he needed to sleep in to recover from Saturday. On the rare occasions that we made it out to my parents house for sunday dinner, he would either fall asleep in the recliner or go shut himself up in the music room. IF he talked to anyone for any length of time, it was to my two brothers who also played on the team which was like the saturday ragging session intensified. Again, DISCOURAGING.
So, by the end of the season, Pete was beginning to see that he left that soccer field angry and upset with people over the STUPIDEST things. He came home after the last game, sat down with me, and stated that he didn't think it was good for him to play and that he was not going to play in the fall season. I wholeheartedly approved and thanked him profusely and have reminded him of this position from time to time over the summer. Each time it came up, he was adament that he was NOT going to play.
And then, he committed to the team again. And THEN came home to tell me that he had committed. No discussion. No asking my opinion. Just "Yeah, sure guys! Sounds great!" I was not very happy about this...so, another discussion ensued. I shared everything I have shared here to which he said that he wanted to pray about it and he would let me know what he came up with at the end. So, he then told the team captain that it wasn't peaceable for him to play this season and THEN came home to tell me what had happened. I was so estatic that he had decided not to play.
But, then, he started talking about how much he was going to resent me if he didn't play. And he started talking about how it was his decision to make. And about how he just needed some time to himself every week. I have seriously had to fight back some major annoyance / wanting to choke someone during these conversations.
I pleaded with him to please not sign up again. I talked about my concerns. About the time it takes away from our family and our extended family. About how much it disrupts our ability to have people over to visit and to eat dinner on Fridays. About how much it influenced him not attending church each week.
And yet, he decided to do it. And every single time something comes up and I realize that I am either not going to be able to commit to doing it / helping with it / going to it / etc... OR I realize that I'm going to have to reach out to my family and beg for someone to help me keep up with the boys (when I feel like it's Pete's job to do), I get ANNOYED. Majorly annoyed.
So, you all pray for me, please. Otherwise, it's going to be a VERY long soccer season.
I am working through something that is so trivial when I actually put it into words, but it is still making me annoyed / disappointed.
Pete played soccer during the spring season with a bunch of guys we know (mostly through church.) Sounds like fun on the surface, right? Well, it wasn't. Not for him and certainly not for me. I was in my last month of pregnancy when the season officially kicked off and Elliott was born at the very end of February. Newborn babies, a 1.5 year old, and soccer practice / soccer games just do not mix. I found myself completely alone in the house every Saturday (pretty much all day), every practice night (two - three per week), whenever the guys wanted to review the games on video, and/or whenever the guys wanted to go to dinner after the game. It probably wouldn't have been so bad if it had been limited to these (too many) activities, but then there was the soccer spillover, as I like to call it.
Saturdays just wore Pete out. He's in his thirties, not used to playing that intensely, and every little thing would provoke him so by the time he arrived home from the game, he would have to spend a few hours decompressing and ragging on the other players, the other team, the ref, the crowd, WHOMEVER got on his nerves that day. I am sure it annoyed me more than it should have due to the sleep deprivation, raging hormones, mastitis, and other baby related stuff, but let me just tell you that it was one of the most discouraging seasons of my married life.
On top of that, Pete started missing church on Sundays because he needed to sleep in to recover from Saturday. On the rare occasions that we made it out to my parents house for sunday dinner, he would either fall asleep in the recliner or go shut himself up in the music room. IF he talked to anyone for any length of time, it was to my two brothers who also played on the team which was like the saturday ragging session intensified. Again, DISCOURAGING.
So, by the end of the season, Pete was beginning to see that he left that soccer field angry and upset with people over the STUPIDEST things. He came home after the last game, sat down with me, and stated that he didn't think it was good for him to play and that he was not going to play in the fall season. I wholeheartedly approved and thanked him profusely and have reminded him of this position from time to time over the summer. Each time it came up, he was adament that he was NOT going to play.
And then, he committed to the team again. And THEN came home to tell me that he had committed. No discussion. No asking my opinion. Just "Yeah, sure guys! Sounds great!" I was not very happy about this...so, another discussion ensued. I shared everything I have shared here to which he said that he wanted to pray about it and he would let me know what he came up with at the end. So, he then told the team captain that it wasn't peaceable for him to play this season and THEN came home to tell me what had happened. I was so estatic that he had decided not to play.
But, then, he started talking about how much he was going to resent me if he didn't play. And he started talking about how it was his decision to make. And about how he just needed some time to himself every week. I have seriously had to fight back some major annoyance / wanting to choke someone during these conversations.
I pleaded with him to please not sign up again. I talked about my concerns. About the time it takes away from our family and our extended family. About how much it disrupts our ability to have people over to visit and to eat dinner on Fridays. About how much it influenced him not attending church each week.
And yet, he decided to do it. And every single time something comes up and I realize that I am either not going to be able to commit to doing it / helping with it / going to it / etc... OR I realize that I'm going to have to reach out to my family and beg for someone to help me keep up with the boys (when I feel like it's Pete's job to do), I get ANNOYED. Majorly annoyed.
So, you all pray for me, please. Otherwise, it's going to be a VERY long soccer season.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Clarity
....is that moment when you realize that you are going to HAVE to let go of something you have been holding onto in order to move forward with the things God is wanting to do for you, through you, and in you.
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