Motherhood

I have to say, I think Mother's Day is swiftly becoming my new favorite holiday. Up until 2010, July 4th was my favorite holiday because of the fireworks, warm weather, homemade ice cream, 9pm sunsets, and fresh food from the garden. Since J came along, I have a new appreciation for Mother's Day. There is NOTHING in this world that compares to having my sweet babies wrapped up in my arms and feeling an almost overwhelming appreciation / gratefulness / awe bubble up inside of me when I'm hit for the millionth time with the realization that yes, these two amazing, beautiful, sweet, smart babies belong to us. Almost immediately followed by an overwhelming sense of urgency to do everything we possibly can to give them a safe place, a loving home, and everything they could possibly need to make good choices in life.  Mother's Day is a good day for these types of reflections.

I have been reading "A Mother's Heart" by Jean Fleming for the past few weeks. Normally, I wouldn't put a book down unless necessary, but I have been pacing myself through this one because there is so much content that challenges me and makes me take a long, hard look at where my heart is in this still new role of mothering. It's not the kind of book that I would recommend to just anyone. I think it would hit a nerve with the majority of my friends who have chosen to maintain their careers in addition to taking on the role of mother and I especially think it would be offensive to my career minded friends who do not have children yet. It's exactly the kind of challenge I needed after E's arrival a few months ago. I have to confess...up to the last trimester of E's pregnancy, I had been keeping my foot in the door so to speak. I was pretty content with being a stay at home mom, but I liked being involved with community projects and I LOVED having people depending on me to do things that seemed wonderful and amazing at the time. Not taking anything away from those projects, but since E arrived, I have had TWO little persons under the age of two completely dependent on me and for me personally, there is no project in the world that has required as much creative thinking, flexibility, problem solving, budgeting, and FAITH as this new development. The challenge I have appreciated the most from this book has been the challenge to truly lay my life down for my children. Not in the sense of being a doormat and bending to their every whim or allowing them to control our household, but to always be diligent and mindful to put a good/godly example before them and to make good use of the time I have with them, lifting them up in prayer, putting the word before them, and providing an environment for them that stimulates them in good ways. The author also is quick to point out that even when parents provide the best guidance for their children in the hopes of persuading them to choose God as an adult, the choice is ultimately our children's choice to make. We cannot force them or pressure them into choosing to follow God. We are instead responsible for living our lives in such a way that they can see the power of God at work in our lives and come to believe in Him through those experiences. Sowing the seed so to speak. It has certainly given me a lot to think about and pray about and in addition to encouraging me in how I need to interact with my own children, I have seen a lot of application towards to the body of Christ as well.

I also have realized how foreign this way will seem to so many people that we love and care about. I am very blessed to be part of a family that shares the same beliefs when it comes to religion and Christianity, but my husband's family does not share these beliefs. It has not been a point of contention to date and I am hopeful that it will not become a point of contention ever, but as my brother in laws have had children of their own (before our two boys came along), it is now becoming very evident that we differ in our approach and our foundations. It's not a problem for us because we believe that each child is unique, therefore, the approach may have to differ from child to child to meet the needs of the individual. But, we also are convinced that each parent is accountable for their child. Therefore, it's not wise to involve ourselves in the parenting of our neice and nephew. We're always open to discussing things, we love them, and we will encourage them in whatever their parents instruct them to do, but we will NOT interfere in how they are being raised unless it is harmful to them in some way. So far, things have been fairly peaceable, but we saw a few moments of temptation for my oldest brother in law when he came to visit a few weeks ago of wanting to jump in and dispense parenting advice to us on how we should be raising our boys. Thankfully, he caught himself before he said too much.

I understand how hard it is to resist that temptation. I have had to stop myself SEVERAL times over the years. :)

If I could go back and do it all again...

Well, simply put, I wouldn't.

Living in the here and now, enjoying the life that I have now, being thankful for His mercies which are new every single day means there is peace and contentment. There is a complete lack of anxiety or fear. I don't have to spend a single second of my day trying to figure out all the angles and plan and scheme my future away.

I remember being 19 - 23. They were some of the darkest, most feaful days of my life. I thought I knew better. I thought there was a better life "somewhere out there" away from the accountability and away from the support that had been offered to me through my family and my extended family. I allowed myself to look to other PEOPLE as my standard and was somehow shocked and disappointed when they failed to measure up to my expectations at times. I grew weary in walking in love towards other people. I grew tired of "having people poking their nose into my business all the time" because I wasn't able to see that they were holding a mirror up to my face and asking me to take a look at what I was becoming. I didn't understand it came from a place of caring about me and for me and wanting to see me succeed in everything that was GOOD for me.

It breaks my heart to see others struggling with the same things. And it's not just the younger crowd. I see people my age and older going through the same testing that I went through all those years ago. And, I want to say to each of them...it will not be worth it in the end should you choose to turn your back on the things that you know to be true. Even if you were to argue that you are unsure of the truth or you don't agree that it's the truth, time will show. And the world is a harsh teacher and even crueler master.

Count the cost before you put on those rose colored glasses and abandon everything you have known up to this point. If there is a lack of peace, it's not from above.

And that's all I have to say about that.

If I were a psychologist...

Oklahoma weather would definitely be diagnosed as schizophrenic with bipolar tendencies today. Cold enough for a jacket to too warm for a jacket in the space of an hour. Sunny when I left the house followed by a smattering of rain to a quick downpour almost immediately back to sunny. And now, the sky surrounding my house is a lovely red dirt haze. Hang on tornado season, here we come!

Almost time

We are two weeks away from sweet baby E's due date, but he's already the same size as J was when J was born. In light of all the contractions I have been having at random intervals, I am thinking E might be here ahead of schedule which is okay by me!

I finally got the hospital bag packed and my focal point finished. I decided to do something similiar to last time. A few scriptures, two pics of J, and an ultrasound pic of E in a frame. It's nice to have something to focus on when things start getting intense and between E's sweet face and J running around in some striped pjs and piggy ears, I will have all the incentive I need to push through. No pun intended.

E's baby shower is this Sunday. Between my sister's wedding, wedding showers, and this baby shower, I think my family has the streamlined approach down to perfection. We're having the shower immediately following the church service, we're serving grab and go refreshments, and we're just having the gifts displayed instead of opening everything. The only sit down and stop activity is the ABC book. We made one at J's shower and it's still my most favorite gift. Each shower guest selects a letter of the alphabet and then colors a page that represents the letter. J's book is adorable because it's a great mix of adults and kids' artwork. I can't wait to see E's when it's finished.

I have a few more household things that I need to finish up and P needs to finish remodeling the guest bath so we can prepare for the British invasions that will occur over the next couple of months, but other than that...I think we're good. :)

Hand Over Mouth

It is always interesting to me how something can be said in a "generally speaking" way as not to point any individual out or point fingers in any direction and yet...it still manages to hurt someone's feelings.

It's even more interesting to me how someone with hurt feelings tries very hard to make it something that YOU shouldn't have done instead of addressing why it caused a reaction for THEM.

And, it's most interesting to me how someone can assert that it would be better to not say something "generally speaking" but to keep the topic between the parties concerned.

If you are not addressing a specific party, but you're generally speaking, how does one accomplish that exactly? Sometimes an individual does something that leads to a much needed "generally speaking" moment. It benefits the greater good to address it openly. And, as long as you are tactful and don't use names or specifics that could lead to such individual being identified, how rational/reasonable is it for anyone to be offended that it's been brought up for public consumption?

Oh, but offense isn't a reasonable/rational creature, is it?

Need.More.Patience.

I'm not one for devotionals....

But I have had a copy of Oswald Chamber's "My Utmost For His Highest" lying around for several years and decided to pull it off the bookshelf and place it by my bed for those nights when I just need something quick to read through before I fall asleep.

I don't read it everyday so my sequencing is a little off, but I found the Jan 4th entry very helpful because it's something I am struggling with at the moment - knowing when/how to end relationships that are not based on the right foundation.

http://utmost.org/why-can-i-not-follow-you-now/

Why Can I Not Follow You Now?

Jan 04 2012

Peter said to Him, ’Lord, why can I not follow You now?’ —John 13:37

There are times when you can’t understand why you cannot do what you want to do. When God brings a time of waiting, and appears to be unresponsive, don’t fill it with busyness, just wait. The time of waiting may come to teach you the meaning of sanctification— to be set apart from sin and made holy— or it may come after the process of sanctification has begun to teach you what service means. Never run before God gives you His direction. If you have the slightest doubt, then He is not guiding. Whenever there is doubt— wait.

At first you may see clearly what God’s will is— the severance of a friendship, the breaking off of a business relationship, or something else you feel is distinctly God’s will for you to do. But never act on the impulse of that feeling. If you do, you will cause difficult situations to arise which will take years to untangle. Wait for God’s timing and He will do it without any heartache or disappointment. When it is a question of the providential will of God, wait for God to move.

Peter did not wait for God. He predicted in his own mind where the test would come, and it came where he did not expect it. “I will lay down my life for Your sake.” Peter’s statement was honest but ignorant. “Jesus answered him, ’ . . . the rooster shall not crow till you have denied Me three times’ ” (John 13:38). This was said with a deeper knowledge of Peter than Peter had of himself. He could not follow Jesus because he did not know himself or his own capabilities well enough. Natural devotion may be enough to attract us to Jesus, to make us feel His irresistible charm, but it will never make us disciples. Natural devotion will deny Jesus, always falling short of what it means to truly follow Him.

Sometimes, in my zeal to be done with something that is not beneficial, I don't just turn around and walk away. I pour gasoline all over the bridge, strike several matches, step back, and watch it burn so to speak. Definitely not the most peaceful way to end a relationship. I am striving to be patient and wait on the Lord to show me how/when things will come to end....unless He intervenes and changes something about the relationship that would allow it to continue. At any rate, I need to stop running ahead and doing things on my own accord because it hasn't worked out very well to this point.

Home Work

After a lot of waiting and praying and waiting...MaddieLuke, LTD is officially open for business! It's been a project that has been rolling around in my brain for several years, but after "retiring" from the work world, I finally seem to have the time needed to focus on launching my own business. It's a consulting firm of which I am the sole consulter so probably just a fancy way of saying I'm self-employed, but I like it. A lot.

Since it's early days, I'm doing some pro bono projects to get some customer testimonials and work out any kinks in my standard operating procedures. One project is with a non-profit in town, one project is with a homeschooled freshman, and the last project is being a campaign advisor for a local resident planning to run for state senate. I think I'm the most excited about the last project because I love politics. It's fast paced, involved, requires a lot of research and memorization, and there is a plethora of problem solving which I enjoy doing the most.

But, the main purpose of the consulting firm is two-fold. First, act as an educational consultant for homeschooling families in the state by checking over their records and body of work to ensure they are meeting Oklahoma PASS objectives. If not, making suggestions and recommendations on how to bring their work into compliance while helping them build a transcript / portfolio / record of work. Second, act as an organizational consultant for projects and non-profits including suggesting ways to more efficiently conduct business, update policies and procedures, and brainstorming / problem solving through issues that are currently challenging the organization.

I am excited to see what comes of these things and I'm enjoying the way my day is running. I have the daytime with J, early evening with P, and then I spend the last two hours of the day working on one/all of the projects I currently have ongoing.

But, I'm being mindful that if I get overly involved (like I tend to do), I will have to be willing and able to lay it all aside considering how much the Lord has been helping me focus on my priorities over the past few months. I certainly don't want to do anything detrimental!